Bernie Erickson on gay marriage

This summer gay people in the Midwest had unprecedented cause for celebration with the demise of The Defense of Marriage Act, and Minnesota’s legalization of same gender marriage.

 

We held vigils. We gathered around camp fires and sang” KumBy Ya.” We stood outside religious buildings and sang “We Shall Overcome.” We went to our state capitols and held artfully and interestingly designed signs that said things like “Would you rather I marry YOUR daughter?” or “Who exactly do you think designed your daughter’s wedding gown.”

 

But as smug and successful as we may be tempted to feel, our recent victory came down to one and only one thing: The United States Economy.

 

Like all good Americans, I spent my President Bush $600 stimulus check on shoes and botox. And quite frankly, when it comes to the trickle-down theory, over the course of a lifetime, I’ve had an untold number of things trickle down on me, and never ONCE has it been a pleasant experience.

 

Same gender marriage came down to politician’s realization that there is one and only one thing that will revitalize the US economy: Gay. Wedding. Registry.

 

I don’t know about you, but David and I have personally purchased enough Cuisinart Food Processors as wedding gifts that we were recently recognized in Cuisinart’s annual report.

 

Do the math: 6 weddings a year, $100 a pop, 10 years together.

 

We’ve been giving food processors as wedding gifts for so long,we’re now having to find ways to discretely learn who kept the food processor in the divorce so we can try to figure out something different for the second marriage.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled about equal rights and tax benefits and being on my partner’s health insurance so I can have a heart attack and not lose the house and all.

 

But the part that really excites me is: we can throw a wedding , invite all our friends and friends of friends, and brazenly tuck in cards that say “The Happy Couple is Registered at a very-expensive-store-that-you’d- never-shop-at-because-its-so-pretentious-you’d-feel-like-Julia-Roberts-in-“Pretty Woman.”

 

Yeah, that store.

 

And gay people all over the United States are going to have gift registries longer than their best friend’s list of one-night-stands, and more complicated than the visitation schedule for the pet of a recently separated gay couple.

 

And we love it.

 

Finally, we’re going to fill in those huge gaps in our All-Clad cookware and Baccarat Crystal. We’ll get stylishly coordinatedFerragamo shoes, briefcase and tablet covers. Our trousseau will be stocked with 1,000 count linens and Egyptian cotton towels.

 

Our sisters across the street are going to finally get that variable speed, hydrostatic clutch, diamond dust bladed, jet fuel powered chain saw they’ve always wanted. There will be tartan plaid flannel kitchen coordinates of aprons styled like shirts with sleeves torn off, hot pads shaped like softball mitts, and placemats in the silhouette of Chevy Silverados.

 

And we will shame our friends and families to fulfill each and every item on our gift list.

 

After all, what goes around, comes around.

*This post was contributed by Bernie Erickson who has shared a life with his partner, David for 11 years. Bernie and David were married in Winnipeg in 2006.

(If you would like to write a post for the Pride Collective blog please contact Kailyn at littleorphan732@gmail.com ) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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